One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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