You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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