She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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