I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize