Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
