I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
