I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
