i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
