what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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