Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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