i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
