I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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