Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
