yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
