just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
