my mouth tastes like poor choices
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
