Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
