I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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