There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
