So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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