You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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