she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
