The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
