That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm both gender and math confused
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
