a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
