dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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