Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
