I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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