My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
there's paper in my vomit.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
