I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
