Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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