if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
