By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
