I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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