Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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