Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
