My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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