What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
