after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
