I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
