Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
