So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize