I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
