wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
