She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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