Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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