I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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