Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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