Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
