If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
