so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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