I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
