i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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