i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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