Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I looked at my own cervix.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize